Tuesday, 4 August 2015

The T-Rex's Guide to Riding Underwear

Want a real topic to split the riders into different camps? Riding underwear.   Oh boy, does that one divide and conquer. It divides by discipline AND age at the same time.

So. Thong, brief, boyshort, bike short, head to toe body suit.  Let me provide you with the T-Rex's guide to selection of riding undergarments 

Are you young?  Slender? Not yet working on the sitting trot? Not yet read the classic equestrian literature, Riders?  Think that VPL* is a fate worse than death? 
  • Then you might want to consider the selecting the thong.  Just beware of those triple combinations when they emerge on course. T-Rex gently recommends the hunter/jumper ring.
    Young, fancy and your thighs don't touch.  You too will succumb to gravity and french fries (Mwahaha)
Are you in pursuit of that smooth, almost hermetically sealed look regardless of age?  Breathability be-damned?  Think that every lump and bump, in addition to VPL, must be conquered?
  • Then you might want to consider selecting the bike short or more extreme bodysuit.   I might recommend the dressage ring where you can sing the song of your people "Good lord, has my trainer finished warming up my horse? I'm already sweating to death"
    Seriously, who could do sports in this?
Are you less young? Perhaps you have a bit of a tail to contain? Started working more on sitting the trot and canter? Have you read Riders?   
  • Then you will probably have opted for the brief/boyshort** option for two major reasons:
    1. God help me if my breeches split on course.  NO ONE needs to see that
      The glare! My god, the glare
    2. A thong rasping away at the 'starfish' during sitting trot only needs to be experienced once.
      Yes, I mean exactly where you think I mean.
Because when you are out there on a jumping course, you don't need to feel either the 'letter in your mailbox' or the sudden and highly distracting draft. 

*VPL = Visible Panty Line
** Seamless is worth the investment to avoid similar abrasive qualities in nearby delicate regions

No comments:

Post a Comment